can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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