If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
