Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
