Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Someone shit on the floor
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Houston, we have a squirter
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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