I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
