Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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