I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
