she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
