you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
