im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
