saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
