i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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