Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
