Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
