my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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