I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
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