you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
