I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
