i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
