sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
