Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I will pee on everything he values.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
