Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
