walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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