Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you win again, gameday.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
