I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
