guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
