Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
