I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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