Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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