One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Randomize
