So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
