I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm like, not good at living.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize