im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize