We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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