If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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