Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
