FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
