Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
