Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
