walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
