i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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