I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
