i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
