I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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