had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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