the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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