and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
