The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
