Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
