I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
