My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
