The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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