I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
