I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
