it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
