My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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