He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
