what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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