my phone needs a breathalizer
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
