we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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